DEAD CHEF – EPISODE 3 “Ain’t no use in complainin’ when you’ve got a job to do”

 

EXT: UNFINISHED BUSINESS TAKEAWAY SHOP. MID-DAY

A  THICK GREEN MIST COVERS EVERYTHING and a TWO-HEADED RAT gasps for air.

HALF A DOG lays passed out next to the HUGE CAT that had been previously chasing it.

If you listen closely enough, you can hear the LOCAL COCKROACH infestation coughing themselves to death.

SPOOKY PIANO MUSIC plays in the background.

INT: UNFINISHED BUSINESS TAKEAWAY. MINUTES LATER

MORS stands behind the counter next to his wife MANIA, they look pissed off at each other.

The GREEN MIST is even thicker in here, it’s hard to make anything out.

Mania keeps taking her CHEF HAT off and coughing into it.

There is the distinct smell of DEATH and ROTTEN EGGS in the air.

MORS
(obviously trying to contain his anger)

Hello and welcome to Unfinished Business, I’m sorry if my voice seems raspy but, SOMEONE, decided to light the fire last night. Even though I’ve told her a MILLION, FUCKING, TIMES, that it’s been blocked up with shit for the last hundred years.

MANIA

(in no way trying to contain her anger)

It was fucking freezing last night and I kept asking you to fix it but you’re too much of a lazy shit aren’t you?

MORS

Well, yeah! But I’m dead, I have a right to be lazy, I lived my life and a couple hundred years on top of that, plus, why the fuck do you care that it’s freezing, we can’t fucking feel anything you dumb shit!

MANIA

Just because I can’t feel, does not mean I don’t have feelings. Just because I can’t FEEL, doesn’t mean I don’t want my home to feel HOMELY! How would you feel if you kept asking for a blowjob for half a century and I never listened?

MORS
(walks off screen, annoyed)

MANIA
(calming down slightly and sounding apologetic)

I’m sorry hun, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, I know you’re still touchy about losing your cock, I shouldn’t have brought that up, I’m sorry, honestly, you just touched a nerve.

MORS
(from off screen and very pissed off)

Touched a nerve? TOUCHED A FUCKING NERVE? I’ve been having to put up with this filthy dump for over two hundred years, I just sit here, cooking endlessly trying to pay off your fucking mistake so I can finally rest in peace. The only consolation I had? SEX. And for the last hundred years, I haven’t even had that! And you have the bloody cheek to complain about a fucking chimney and throw my lack of genitalia in my face?

MANIA
(giggles)

You should really hear yourself when you say the word genitalia hun, it’s ridiculous.

MORS
(walks back on screen)

I’ll tell you what’s ridiculous, the fact that, seeing as the chimney was broken, I’d thrown all the botulinum toxin we accidentally bought of the dark web into it!

MANIA
(losing her temper)


WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?

MORS

You fucking told me to get rid of it so I wouldn’t get confused and poison any more school kids! Now you’ve gone turned it into gas with who knows what effect, and yes, I realise this is still my fault, but if anyone dies because of this, IT WAS YOU, YOU, this time, NOT ME.

MANIA

You’re a FUCKING PRICK Mors.

OLD GRANNY WHO HAS BEEN WAITING FOR HER ORDER TO BE TAKEN

(She has a dog leash with a ‘Best of Brian Adans Covers – The Cover Band’ attached to it, she’s wearing an unbuttoned parka jacket a few sizes too large for her and a Wayne’s World T-shirt on underneath. Everything the woman says is in the melody of Bryan Adams songs, although, with a rather raspy voice)

Well it’s a bitch tryin’ to make ends meet but that’s the way the story goes. Ain’t no use in complainin’ when you’ve got a job to *cough* to *cough* do. Now can I get my food honey. I got a rocking gig to get to. Oh, and I LOVE your new smoke machine.

EXT: SECONDS LATER. CREDITS

Missed Episode 2? Read it here.

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Misael Trujillo – Food Scouts

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